3 Waterfront Times April 2022
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WITZ ON FISH
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APRIL 2022 YEAR 12 ISSUE 10
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Capt. Gunnar Watson
Revenge is a dish best served up by fishing
ARNOLD MARKOWITZ Waterfront Times Columnist
I might have gotten the Fish or Cut Bait Society into a little trouble last month. Imprudently, I reported here that fishin' buddy Headwind was sort of plotting ven- geance against a hyper-pow- ered bass boat lowlife. That one had dragged a perilous wake by us on a narrow Everglades canal. Due to certain legal considerations, Headwind for- mally denounced any notions that might bounce back and whack him. I agreed to clarify him and cover all our butts, but we all know how he harbors a grudge. We're trying to find a way to get him over it. The others wouldn't worry much if he hadn't told them we got the stinker's boat and truck license num- bers. They wouldn't worry much if Headwind hadn't told us he traced those numbers. He knows who the villain is and where to find him. "Billy Hill," he told us. "From some place you've never heard of in Kentucky. If you've never heard of Kentucky, you're lucky." Several of us joined Headwind in discussing ex- tralegal punitive actions against Billy Hill until our at- torney, Competent Counsel Esq., said the conversation was imprudent. [Counsel's parents were dog lovers who named him Fido and told friends they had bobbed his tail. For his law school thesis, Fido petitioned a justice of the peace to change his first name to Competent. His reason: "Good for business."] "Headwind has a lean and hungry look," Counsel said. "He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous." He made Headwind stand up and declare that he wasn't serious. Next, each of us stood and said, loudly, "Me neither!" Counsel recorded all that in case we eventually need it as exculpatory evidence. This may give you the impression that he is a hotshot liability lawyer, but no. His law practice is limited to overtime parking viola- tions. Everything else he knows he gets from Abogada, who runs the coffee kiosko in the courthouse lobby. She knows everything. Later, after consulting with Abogada, Counsel ad- vised the rest of us to redirect Headwind's anger. He looked directly at me. "You fish with him, so you're in charge of that project. Get him back on the water as soon as you can, but go somewhere else if Billy Hill's truck is at the ramp. Don't risk a confrontation." A few days later I got Headwind out fishing again. The weather wasn't very good, and I knew that would appeal to him. He isn't called Headwind for nothing, you know. He had diverted for a gasoline hunt on his way to our meeting place, so by the time we started loading our tackle on the boat he was in a full state of rage. Good, I thought. "Why don't they raise the price of tofu, kale and quinoa instead of gas? I couldn't care less if they do that. Nobody eats that stuff," Headwind shouted, as if he expected an intelligent answer. "And who are 'they' anyway?" They aren't presidents, I told him, hoping I wasn't turning over the wrong rock. Headwind hates politics. Me too. "I know that!" he hollered, a little less loudly. "Are they officials? All the news I read and hear seems to come from someone called 'officials.' Who's that?" I was tempted to tell him 'officials' are Billy Hill and other wake draggers, but my assignment was to take his mind off them. So, I reminded Headwind of his military years. He enjoys reminiscing about his Navy service, in a subma- rine with earphones on, listening to sonar. We weren't at war then, so I asked if it was fun. "No," he said. "I wanted that job because I thought I could learn a lot about fishing by listening to fish. It wasn't all I expected. Fish don't say much because they don't have much to say. They're only interesting in eat- ing and mating, and they don't talk about that in terms that would make a sailor or a fishing-doer drool." Other than that, Headwind continued, a lot of deep-dwelling fish flee when they see a submarine down there. They don't realize it's just a boat. He de- scribed a typical scenario: Several fish: "Oh! What's that huge creature?" Other fish: "It's going to eat us!" All the fish: "Swim for your lives!" "And away they go," Headwind said. "We heard a lot of that on our sub. Military subs are black and have no windows, so they're scary. It occurred to me that research subs are bright yellow and have windows, and they don't frighten anyone. "I wrote a note to the admiral, suggesting that we paint our subs yellow and add a couple of portholes. Then the fish would stick around. We would make kissy faces at them. They would know we come in peace." A while later, the captain asked Headwind about it: Captain: "You wrote to the admiral? Really?" Headwind: "Yes, sir. Do you like my idea?" Captain: "I love it, but you should have brought it to me first. Chain of command, y'know?" Headwind: "Would you have passed it along to the admiral?" Captain: "Hell, no." Headwind: "But you said you love it!" Captain: "That's why I wouldn't tell the admiral." As I said earlier, the weather wasn't very good on the day Headwind and I had that conversation. The night before, the forecast was for northerly wind at 5-10 mph. I know what you're thinking: You didn't believe that, did you?
SEE WITZ PAGE 5
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